Thank You For It All

I was a devoted Christian from my early childhood until my late teen years. I gave my heart to the Lord and strived to live my life for Him. I wanted everything I did to reflect His word and I dedicated my life to this. I felt His love and grace at all times and through Him I saw this world in a completely different light. That feeling... it's something not of this world. It cannot be recreated without Him. When I've been asked how I know He exists, I think of that feeling. It's warm, full of love, and it radiates in every part of your being. It's a hard thing to explain, but when you feel it you cannot doubt Him. I spent hours dreaming of His plans for me. I had no idea what they were, but I couldn't wait to find out.

I went through a few years where I backslid into the world and my natural ways. I'm so very far from perfect, and I guess you could say I went through a rebellious stage. I hated who I became, but once you're there it's hard to come back. It's easier to live that way, lets face it. We're born sinners, and it's a struggle to stray away from it. 

Then there was Madison. My silly little bunny. I never in my wildest dreams thought that what I have gone through with her would result in me kneel bent in front of God asking for His grace. I always saw myself rededicating my life, but I figured it would be in church during a Sunday service.

When I first got the news of Madison's diagnoses, it was the worst state my heart has ever been in. I was completely and utterly broken. It's shameful that it took me to come to my weakest point to ask His forgiveness, but I serve a forgiving God. I'm so thankful for that. All of the sudden it was as though the weight had been lifted and I had strength.

I have that feeling back now. That happy warm feeling I missed so much. I have days where I feel discouraged and lost, but in my heart I know without a shadow of a doubt that He's with me. I don't have to be afraid anymore. I don't have to worry about my daughter or any other aspect of my life because He has taken that burden from me. It's in His control, and I trust that.

I need Him. I don't deserve it. I'm not worthy of it, but thank you, Lord, for your undying love.

I'll never be able to successfully put into words how thankful I am. Years ago when I dreamed about His plans for me this never came to mind. I didn't think it would involve heart ache and so much struggle, But thank you, God, for it all. She's alive, and she's happy. There are so many others with far less than what I've been given, and I'm blessed. So blessed. This is part of His plan. She's part of His plan. He's got something in store for my whole family and I can't wait for the journey.

Thank you to my beautiful daughter for helping me see this all. Without her, there's no telling where I would be.

"You are my strength
My shield, my portion, deliverer,
My shelter, strong tower,
My very present help in time of need."