Struggles

Lately I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety. I have my good days, but then, more often than not it seems, I slip back into that frame of mind I hate so much. I still struggle with acceptance. I don't want to have to feel this way, but little things here and there remind me that I have no idea what my daughter will face in the future. I think what bothers me most, is the lack of feeling in control. I have this flaw... I need to know I have things under control and I'll drive myself (and others) crazy until I know things are in a specific order. I need to know how things will go, or my mind races until I come to some kind of conclusion about the subject. That's what makes it so hard... we just don't know. Only the future can tell us.

She's doing so well, so really... how can I complain? What more could I ask for? How selfish am I that it's just not enough to put my mind at ease? I should live in the now and just be thrilled that she has no problems. I get so angry at myself when I watch her sleep or watch her play,  because sometimes all I can think is, "What kind of life is she going to have? Can she be self-sufficent? Can she have a family of her own?". Why can't I just look at her and know that she's going to be fine? That's impossible, I suppose, for any parent. All parents worry about their children. It just comes down to we all want what's best for them. Sometimes I just wish I could worry a little less.

I'll never forget the period of time I went through from hearing the news of a possible chromosome abnormality to now. It was by far the hardest thing I've gone through. I felt as though my world was crushed. I spent a good 2 weeks doing nothing but crying and slowly got to a better place from there. I keep meaning to write about that experience, but several reasons I haven't. For one, it's embarrassing. It was the weakest point of my life. Second, I'm not even sure I could find the words to explain the place I was at during that time. I know I needed to go through it to accept this, though. You have to walk through that pain if you want to move on from it.

She's perfect. Far more perfect than I could ask for. I wouldn't change her. She's my strong little girl. I know that regardless, she'll be okay. She's got a wonderful family who loves her wholeheartedly. I need to let go more, and trust God's plan.

She's starting to try and stand a lot, with our help of course. we hold her hands or her waist, and she lifts herself up and giggles. I think it's because she's proud of herself. Mommy is proud of her too. :)

Early Intervention Evaluation

I've been bad about keeping up with blogging lately. There hasn't been a whole lot I've wanted to say, and that's why. Halloween went... somewhat okay! She really did not like trick-or-treating at all, but she looked cute in her costume! I think she'd much prefer being home and snuggled up instead of parading around in a costume in a street filled with people.

She had her ENT appointment recently, and there isn't much news on that. They did see fluid in both her ears, which could be the reason that she didn't pass the hospital hearing test. The doctor said that since she's responding to noises that he's not too concerned about it. There still going to have to do a test where they put her to sleep just for cautionary purposes. That'll take place in December. I'm dreading that.

That's about all there is. She has her 4 month check up this month. Other than that, we're just waiting for Thanksgiving and Christmas! I absolutely love this time of year.