I was a devoted Christian from my early childhood until my late teen years. I gave my heart to the Lord and strived to live my life for Him. I wanted everything I did to reflect His word and I dedicated my life to this. I felt His love and grace at all times and through Him I saw this world in a completely different light. That feeling... it's something not of this world. It cannot be recreated without Him. When I've been asked how I know He exists, I think of that feeling. It's warm, full of love, and it radiates in every part of your being. It's a hard thing to explain, but when you feel it you cannot doubt Him. I spent hours dreaming of His plans for me. I had no idea what they were, but I couldn't wait to find out.
I went through a few years where I backslid into the world and my natural ways. I'm so very far from perfect, and I guess you could say I went through a rebellious stage. I hated who I became, but once you're there it's hard to come back. It's easier to live that way, lets face it. We're born sinners, and it's a struggle to stray away from it.
Then there was Madison. My silly little bunny. I never in my wildest dreams thought that what I have gone through with her would result in me kneel bent in front of God asking for His grace. I always saw myself rededicating my life, but I figured it would be in church during a Sunday service.
When I first got the news of Madison's diagnoses, it was the worst state my heart has ever been in. I was completely and utterly broken. It's shameful that it took me to come to my weakest point to ask His forgiveness, but I serve a forgiving God. I'm so thankful for that. All of the sudden it was as though the weight had been lifted and I had strength.
I have that feeling back now. That happy warm feeling I missed so much. I have days where I feel discouraged and lost, but in my heart I know without a shadow of a doubt that He's with me. I don't have to be afraid anymore. I don't have to worry about my daughter or any other aspect of my life because He has taken that burden from me. It's in His control, and I trust that.
I need Him. I don't deserve it. I'm not worthy of it, but thank you, Lord, for your undying love.
I'll never be able to successfully put into words how thankful I am. Years ago when I dreamed about His plans for me this never came to mind. I didn't think it would involve heart ache and so much struggle, But thank you, God, for it all. She's alive, and she's happy. There are so many others with far less than what I've been given, and I'm blessed. So blessed. This is part of His plan. She's part of His plan. He's got something in store for my whole family and I can't wait for the journey.
Thank you to my beautiful daughter for helping me see this all. Without her, there's no telling where I would be.
"You are my strength
My shield, my portion, deliverer,
My shelter, strong tower,
My very present help in time of need."
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
1 am Blog Post
It's 1 am, and the only thing that appeals to me at the moment is writing. Sleep is just not an option. I love night time. It's hard to just give in and go to sleep sometimes, regardless of how tired I am. There's something about the quietness of night that I love. It's my time to reflect and make sense of whatever is floating around in my head. I'm not too successful at doing that with an 8 month old screaming just because she likes the noises she makes and a 5 year old who likes to play the question game. I love all that noise and chaos, don't get me wrong, but short periods of silence help keep me sane. I'm rambling. Moving on...
Madison had her evaluation with early intervention a few days ago. Not much is new there, other than she'll definitely be starting physical therapy soon. That's a huge relief to me.
She caught a cold yesterday and has been fighting a fever since. It's low grade, so no big worries. Just hoping she fights it off soon. I always hold my breath when she catches a cold because not too long ago she had RSV, and that whole ordeal was quite worrisome.
I'm getting a little nervous about the CT scan. I hate when they have to sedate her. Not to mention how long she has to go without food beforehand. For her ABR, we all waited in the waiting room for close to an hour while she had her test. When they called us back, we walked in and her and the nurse were playing peekaboo with her blanket. You would have never guessed she was just sedated. I thought, "look at that little stinker having the time of her life. And I was worried!". I guess I should just keep that in mind.
Anyway... I suppose I should try to sleep now! Goodnight and thanks for reading this pointless post. :)
Madison had her evaluation with early intervention a few days ago. Not much is new there, other than she'll definitely be starting physical therapy soon. That's a huge relief to me.
She caught a cold yesterday and has been fighting a fever since. It's low grade, so no big worries. Just hoping she fights it off soon. I always hold my breath when she catches a cold because not too long ago she had RSV, and that whole ordeal was quite worrisome.
I'm getting a little nervous about the CT scan. I hate when they have to sedate her. Not to mention how long she has to go without food beforehand. For her ABR, we all waited in the waiting room for close to an hour while she had her test. When they called us back, we walked in and her and the nurse were playing peekaboo with her blanket. You would have never guessed she was just sedated. I thought, "look at that little stinker having the time of her life. And I was worried!". I guess I should just keep that in mind.
Anyway... I suppose I should try to sleep now! Goodnight and thanks for reading this pointless post. :)
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Update!
Wow! I apologize for how long it's been since I've written. For some reason I've never been too good at keeping up with these things, but don't give up on me yet!
Little miss Maddy Moo is sleeping in my arms and I'm having to type this all out on my phone (one handed might I add!), so forgive me if it's short but sweet.
Our little princess is doing great! As of February 21st she weighs 13 lbs 11 oz and she's 8 months (7 months at the time of weigh in). She has been trying her hardest to sit independently and crawl, but low muscle tone has been making it a challenge. She has her second evaluation with early intervention on March 17th to get her started on some physical therapy. She manages to get certain distances on her belly, but it's a challenge for her to push up with her arms. She can push up some, but gets tired fast. She's able to sit up, but for short periods of time. She'll get there!
She had her ABR last month. Her right ear has mild hearing loss, and the left has perfect hearing. We have a routine CT scan scheduled for April 8th, then possibly an MRI after that.
Her growth has been okay. She's within the lower normal range, but nothing that concerns her doctors. She's our pretty little petite baby.
This little girl is dying to become mobile. She's busy all the time with her hands, and she wants to be busy on the go as well. Her favorite thing to say (and repeat over and over!) is "dada" or more commonly "dadadadadada". I've been trying to teach her to say "mama". She tries her hardest. She'll watch me as I repeat it over and over and what comes out of her mouth is something similar to "maaadadaaa!".
She's as happy as a baby could possibly be. She's curious about everything around her. I absolutely love watching all the new things she learns on a daily basis.
I'll update again soon! Most likely after her CT scan, but possibly before. Thanks for reading!
Little miss Maddy Moo is sleeping in my arms and I'm having to type this all out on my phone (one handed might I add!), so forgive me if it's short but sweet.
Our little princess is doing great! As of February 21st she weighs 13 lbs 11 oz and she's 8 months (7 months at the time of weigh in). She has been trying her hardest to sit independently and crawl, but low muscle tone has been making it a challenge. She has her second evaluation with early intervention on March 17th to get her started on some physical therapy. She manages to get certain distances on her belly, but it's a challenge for her to push up with her arms. She can push up some, but gets tired fast. She's able to sit up, but for short periods of time. She'll get there!
She had her ABR last month. Her right ear has mild hearing loss, and the left has perfect hearing. We have a routine CT scan scheduled for April 8th, then possibly an MRI after that.
Her growth has been okay. She's within the lower normal range, but nothing that concerns her doctors. She's our pretty little petite baby.
This little girl is dying to become mobile. She's busy all the time with her hands, and she wants to be busy on the go as well. Her favorite thing to say (and repeat over and over!) is "dada" or more commonly "dadadadadada". I've been trying to teach her to say "mama". She tries her hardest. She'll watch me as I repeat it over and over and what comes out of her mouth is something similar to "maaadadaaa!".
She's as happy as a baby could possibly be. She's curious about everything around her. I absolutely love watching all the new things she learns on a daily basis.
I'll update again soon! Most likely after her CT scan, but possibly before. Thanks for reading!
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